Mama's Little Dumpling

One of my earliest childhood memories goes something like this...

It was almost noon. We were in a little house in Taiwan. Mama Piggy was watching some soap opera. I think I was three. Brother and I were playing when Mama Piggy asked Brother if he'd like some dumplings for lunch. He said yes since dumplings were his favorite, and Mama Piggy went off to the kitchen.

What about me? She didn't ask ME what I wanted for lunch...me pouty...

Mama Piggy returned with a bowl of steaming hot dumplings and told us to sit at the table. She set the bowl in front of Brother and finally asks me if I wanted some. Still pouty, I nodded. Mama Piggy walked to the kitchen and came back with a plate of four dumplings. I ran from the table.

Maybe it was cuz we were exposed to those terrible soap operas, but now not only did I feel like Mama Piggy favored Brother, I thought she had also poisoned my dumplings! Why else would she fetch separate dumplings from the kitchen instead of just taking some of Brother's and giving them to me? What other reason would there be? Yes, I was that paranoid at the age of three...

But the truth is, she knew I was three, didn't eat much and was a picky eater.

After much coaxing, I returned to the table and wolfed down every last one of those supposedly poison-laced dumplings.

Happy New Year!

A Year of DillyDallying

I think I get the award for DillyDallyer of the Year. What did I accomplish this year? Sadly, if I'm honest with myself, nothing of importance is the answer. sigh

Still renting
Still - STILL! - have student loans
Still spending my money foolishly...therefore the above
My To Read list has gone unread
Haven't learned to stop eating when I'm full
Secret invention to take over save the world hasn't come to fruition
Tens of hundreds of exciting restaurants remain unvisited
Lost 50% of my portfolio's value... heavy sigh
Haven't opened a shelter for abandoned children/pets
No new stamps in my passport
Still see the same stomach rolls and back fat I resolved to lose

But...
The stomach rolls are ever so slightly smaller
The back fat a little less, um, fatty...
Tasted great food with like-minded foodies
Learned to be more careful of who I can trust and who I can't
Still have my job - thank the Sweet Baby Jesus!
Met more interesting and sexy people ;)
Many fun Vegas trips, and more already planned for '09
Adopted two kittens from the humane society
Gotten closer to Mama Piggy
Still generally healthy despite my binge & purge diet cycle

The year wasn't so bad, really. I shouldn't complain. It coulda been worse & I'm grateful it hasn't been. At least I have the wherewithall to reflect (if only just for a few minutes) and I can resolve to make the impossible happen. No, I don't mean taking over the world. I mean I can fill 2009 with more great food all the while becoming a thinner piggy. Hey, shut up...I can dream.

Piggy Confessions 2

The yummy treats from Costco have caused me to tumble off the wagon again. This time it's the French chocolate truffles. Costco only brings these out around October so yeah, I got a Costco sized pack of these chocolate truffles in October. A Costco sized pack means two 2 pound 3.3 ounce boxes. Each box has two foil bags of yummy chocolate truffles.

The Nutritional Facts state that each serving size is about 5 pieces, and each container (each foil bag) contains about 24 servings. So let me do the math for you...I purchased 480 pieces of fat & sugar. But have you tasted this melt in your mouth chocolate delight?

I promised myself that I'd be good, but I had 2 servings in one day. I think my blood chocolate level was almost lethal that day.

Me, Myself and I decided an intervention was necessary. The next day when I went to see Mama Piggy, I gave her the rest of the truffles. Mama Piggy doesn't like chocolate so I wasn't putting her at risk. She loves to give those chocolate truffles to her bowling team. So it all worked out.

I'm sober now.

My Next Five Pounds of Weight Gain

What the what?!?! A Korean taco truck?

The concept is at first equally novel, titillating and improbable. Then after your first bite of the short rib taco, you instantly realize the idea is brilliant and wonder how many pounds you'll gain stuffing your face with this new found favorite food.

About 30 of us had the privilege of a private tasting, $10 for one of everything on the menu! Oh my sweet baby Jesus thems is good tacos! I had one of every flavor: short rib, spicy pork, chicken & tofu. Then on my second round I had the short rib burrito and the kimchi quesadilla.

If you plan on being a pig like me, I suggest starting with the tofu taco. Although the sauce makes the tofu tasty, it will be bland after you've had the meat tacos. So after the tofu, go for the chicken, then the spicy pork, then the short rib. They're all good, but I could have eaten five or 10 more of the short rib tacos.

The short rib burrito was good, the meat was still the same juicy quality, but for me there was too much in the burrito competing for a spot on my taste buds. I prefer the simplicity of the taco where the short rib flavor is the star.

The kimchi quesadilla sounded as strange as Korean taco truck, but was very good. Just mildly spicy and it blended with the cheese beautifully.

To see a good review & pictures, click here.

To see their site, click here.

To stalk them, click here.

Chubby Chased 6

Some time in October, Poker Princess and I were in Vegas again. It was fantastic. Our suite was comped, the limo pick up from the airport was comped, practically all our meals were comped, and I brought belated birthday cupcakes for Poker Princess. It's good to receive the VIP treatment. =)

Once again Poker Princess and I found ourselves at the poker table. Incidentally, the new Poker Lounge at Hard Rock ain't too shabby. Anyway, after I lost my $100 buy in, I sat with Poker Princess since she was winning and I figured I could learn.

Long before I lost my money I noticed Chubby Chaser across the table. Someone at the table commented that Chubby Chaser was a dead ringer for Brett Favre. No, I didn't know what Favre looked like until I did a search later in the room, but yeah, he was a dead ringer.

So...Chubby Chaser was actually a cutie and he had a good sense of humor. We started a conversation around food, what else? Poker Princess and I were trying to see if we could make it before the new steak restaurant closed for the night.

After a while Chubby Chaser went to cash out. He returned to the table, leaned over and whispered something in my ear. Naughty Blonde once called me a brazen hussy and that I am, but even this brazen hussy has some standards. Chubby Chaser was wearing a wedding ring. sigh

Good thing I could run to the open arms of the cupcakes in our room...

I Can't Believe It's Not Good Italian

A few weeks ago some friends and I had dinner at Cafe Roma in Beverly Hills. The facade is undergoing some kind of construction so it looks a bit ghetto, but once you're inside it's a lovely little restaurant. The servers, hosts & hostess all have the charming Italian accent, although some of their accents are more genuine than others...Anyway, whenever I've been there they've been very friendly. Sometimes a bit slow, but very friendly and accommodating.

The food quality is not consistent. This most recent visit was more satisfying, but the visit prior to that left a bad taste in my mouth. This time we had the beef carpaccio, seafood risotto and steak. All were quite yummy. We must have gotten the good chef that night since he knew that medium rare means medium rare. Surprisingly, the margherita pizza was a disappointment. How can an Italian restaurant mess up pizza?? Perhaps they need to change the chef at the pizza station, no?

During dinner, we spotted Fabio...I know it's Beverly Hills but it was just such an odd celebrity sighting (and I use celebrity loosely. Sorry, Fabio.). In the dim, warm lighting of Cafe Roma, Fabio looked quite handsome. He's a lot taller than I thought. He was riding solo, surprisingly. The host, hostess and several waiters greeted him as family and chatted with him. Had I been brave enough I woulda invited myself over to his table and asked him to ask Cafe Roma to get better chefs. Maybe next time...

Monkeying Around

Recently I adopted a kitten from the local shelter. They told me she was three months, but in fact, my vet said she's more like six weeks. She didn't eat much for the first couple of days and I started to wonder if this was going to work out. So not only was she tiny, she was quite skinny. Several people have commented that she looked like a lemur so...we'll call her Monkey Girl.

The shelter gave me a small bag of the food that they said she had been eating. She didn't really care for it. So after two days of barely eating anything, I decided to make her some fresh chicken soup with carrots and peas. Monkey Girl loved it. She also loved milk, lactose free milk. Then I got her some Iams kitten canned and dry food and she began gaining weight.

Now one of her favorite foods is bacon...which she waits for in the morning. Also, now I'm forced to keep her on a feeding schedule instead of leaving her food out all day long...cuz just like her piggy mama, Monkey Girl is an overeater.

Tastey Jesus

Something I heard this morning added more meaning to Oh My Sweet Baby Jesus!

The story soundbyte is filed under Entrepreneurship at marketplace.org. But I find this article title much funnier German Churches Find Chocolate Jesus Tasteless.

First of all, Chocolate Jesus would be mighty tastey, unless it was white chocolate -which isn't chocolate at all. I wish people would stop calling it chocolate.

Secondly, lighten up, German churches. The idea is freakin funny, even if Frank Oynhausen didn't mean for it to be. It'd be really funny if Oynhausen made baby Jesus chocolates...

I bet Jesus thinks it's funny.

Hop Woo Restaurant SUCKS ASS

I take back every good thing I ever said about Hop Woo. They were rude to me & my friend. They overcharged us & wouldn't admit it. Most of all, they were rude to Mama Piggy.

NEVER will I go back there.

I'd gladly go the extra mile to MPV, which is now Blue Ocean.

Chubby Chased 5

Round Table Pizza has a "Gourmet" Veggie pizza on their menu. Description of the pizza, copied from their site: Artichoke hearts, zucchini, spinach, white mushrooms, Roma tomatoes, red & green onions, Italian herb seasoning, and lots of chopped garlic. Baked with a blend of 3 cheeses on our Creamy Garlic Sauce. I put gourmet in quotes cuz I'm guessing they consider it gourmet just because of artichoke hearts, zucchini & spinach?

Don't get me wrong, it's a good tasting pizza, it's just that Round Table is a bit skimpy with the ingredients. Sometimes I add more artichoke hearts & zucchini when I get home. Also, wait til you get a coupon. The coupon price is much easier to swallow.

So...once when I went to pick up my large Gourmet Veggie, an extra large Mexican guy walked in ahead of me. Unfortunately, the Round Table employee wasn't behind the counter so Chubby Chaser took the opportunity to talk to me.

Chubby Chaser: (makes no effort to hide that he's checking me out) Hey.

Fat Girl: (look in his general direction, but make no eye contact) Hi.

Chubby Chaser: How are you?

Fat Girl: Fine. Thanks.

Chubby Chaser: They're kinda slow.

Fat Girl: Hm? Oh. Ya.

Chubby Chaser: So, are you eating here?

Fat Girl: Nope. Picking up.

Chubby Chaser: Too bad. I coulda used some company.

Fat Girl: (blank stare. as if I would keep him company)

Thankfully, Round Table employee finally appeared behind the counter & took Chubby Chaser's order. I was doubly thankful that he quickly said, "Next customer, please."

I presented my coupon & Round Table employee said he could take two more dollars off the coupon price. Score! That was karma paying me back for putting up with Chubby Chaser.

If I got a discount every time I went to Round Table, I may not be opposed to being Chubby Chased. I know, I'm such a pizza whore.

Trader Joe's Treasures

Zucchini is one of my favorite veggies and Trader Joe's sells a two pound pack for $2.79. A pretty good deal compared to other grocery stores. I've been grilling them this summer but they keep falling through the grate, even when I use my expandable grill basket. I feel a great sense of loss whenever a nice chunck of zucchini falls down to the flame. So now I just soften them in the pan with some olive oil and it's just as good, and I don't have to worry about losing any of my zucchini.

The store bought ranch dressings aren't very satisfying with my zucchini so I decided to make my own. I came across a ranch dressing recipe on Food Network's site & tweaked it a bit. It was a hit. Here's my tweaked recipe, if you care to make some:

1 clove garlic
1 cup mayonnaise
1/3 cup buttermilk

2 tablespoons minced dill

1 shallot, trimmed and finely chopped

1 teaspoon white wine vinegar

Mash the garlic to a paste with the side of a chef's knife. In a medium bowl, whisk together the garlic, mayonnaise, buttermilk, dill, shallot and vinegar. If the sauce is very thick, thin the dressing with a couple tablespoons more of the buttermilk. Use immediately or store covered, in the refrigerator, for up to 3 days.

Not only does Trader Joe's have great food deals, it also has great beauty deals. If you like sugar scrubs, Trader Joe's has a great Tangerine Sugar Scrub that beats all those expensive brand names out there. You get a nice 18 oz tub for just $5.99!

Going Bananas

Sigh. In the middle of another two weeks of no carb hell. The first few days were difficult since I've been eating whatever my piggy tummy desired. I craved carbs so much that I was eating mac & cheese in my dream. I had little resolve after I woke up from that dream.

I was going to be in the Glendale area that day and I remembered a little Peruvian place Brother took me to a while ago. It was perfect. I haven't had Peruvian in a while and I can get my carb fix with them yummy plantains!

Mamita did not disappoint. I ordered the saltado de pollo con vegetales, except I forgot to say "con vegetales". If I had, it woulda been stir fried chunks of chicken, zucchini, mushrooms and tomatoes. But I got the regular saltado de pollo, which was also good, except that it was more carbs than I planned on. Saltado de pollo is stir fried chunks of chicken, tomatoes, red onion & fries. I don't care for soggy fries, but since these fries soak up the delicious sauce I had to eat them. Most of them. And of course there's the fluffy rice that comes with the dish.

The plantains, were soft and nicely caramelized on the outside. They give you a decent amount for $4. Half of them were gone by the time I got back to the office. It was a sad moment when I came to the last piece. Well, at least I made a good choice when I decided to cheat on my no carb diet. I'm already planning on going back to get two orders of plantains when I'm off the diet.

Must Un-do Pants

LA Fonda Antioquena is not a place I can go to everyday, even if I wish I could. As a belated birthday treat, the Tequila Sisters and Salsa Queen took me there. It's one of those places you'd never know about unless somebody told you.

Salsa Queen made some recommendations on entrees and ordered appetizers. They know Salsa Queen so perhaps our servings were slightly larger than usual. heehee

Blood sausage - I tried a tiny piece. Not bad, but also not great. Unexpectedly, it doesn't taste like blood, as the Chinese pig's blood soup does.
Chicharron - This isn't the thin crispy pieces of fried pig skin, although I love that too. This chicharron had all the fat & some meat attached, and the skin is still crispy. One order comes on two plates!

Empanadas - Good. Tasty. They also came with pasteles de yucca.

All of the above came with arepas. They're like little thick pancakes made of cornmeal. I didn't care for the arepas cuz they were tasteless. Salsa Queen said the arepas from her region of Colombia are made with cheese. Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Salsa Queen ordered Postobon's Manzana, apple flavored soda. Taiwan has probably an identical tasting soda & drinking it really brought back Taiwan memories.

I ordered churrasco, grilled NY steak with plantains, rice, avacado. It was great. If you like your steak medium, order it medium rare.

DrinkYourDrink ordered the whole fried tilapia. It was fresh and great. We helped her eat most of it.

JustOneShot was the brave one and ordered lengua. I tried a tiny little piece. Yes, it was tender and kinda melted in my mouth, but that little piece was all the cow tongue I want to eat. The flavor of the stew it came with was terrific.

Salsa Queen and her niece decided to eat like birds and ordered a menudo type soup. sigh

We ordered more plantains cuz they're too good to only have two pieces. It was a lot of food and there was a lot of pigging out. Another great way to spend a Sunday!

Piggy Confessions

So, uh, Costso sells a dozen fresh baked butter croissants for $5.49. Great deal, right? I was able to resist for six months. Then last weekend I caved.

The butter croissant monster will not be denied. She thought about sharing them for a fraction of a millisecond but decided she must have all 12.

I ate four within 20 minutes of getting home. Lightly toasted in the toaster oven or microwaved for 10 seconds. Washed them down with lactose free milk. All was good with this piggy's stomach.

All 12 were devoured by the next day.

Yes, I realize that's an enormous amount of calories. Which is why I didn't eat much else those two days...except when we went to the Colombian restaurant. That's a story for tomorrow. Right now I've gotta work off the extra back fat from them butter croissants.

PS - Thanks to Naughty Blonde for the Piggy Confessions idea.

Soy Mocha Frapp Management

As I hit the garage door opener this morning I said to myself: Today is the day I get into a car accident.

It's weird, but sometimes I just get a feeling about things.

Lo and behold, I was getting on the freeway and some stupid woman in a black Mercedes SUV clipped me. She was to my left. The two lanes we were in are suppose to head straight to the on-ramp. But no, stupid woman in a black Mercedes SUV decided she didn't want to get on the freeway at the last minute. Stupid woman in a black Mercedes SUV wanted to cross over to my lane and then over to the next lane, without regard to anyone else.

She got my driver side bumper.

The horn was honked.

Stupid Bitch! and some other words were yelled.

Brakes were slammed.

I was already on the on-ramp. I looked over my right shoulder. Stupid woman in a black Mercedes SUV was driving away.

Surprisingly, I was not as angry as I thought I would be. If you know me, you know I woulda backed up from the on-ramp and chased down that stupid woman in a black Mercedes SUV, all the while calling her all sorts of degrading names.

Maybe because I didn't hear the loud sound of metal crunching.

Maybe because I was forewarned as I stood in the garage this morning.

Maybe because I'm not on the no carb diet & I was looking forward to a soy mocha frapp at the coffee bar at work. That soy mocha frapp really is some yummy goodness. It's much like the Mocha Blast at Baskin Robbins. It soothes my soul.

After I parked at work, I surveyed the damage. It was actually slight. One scratch & the rest is paint that can be rubbed off. So I settled for cursing the stupid woman in a black Mercedes SUV with a slow and painful death & let it go cuz I was about to go have me some yummy soy mocha frapp.

Maybe I don't need to go to anger management classes after all...

Bobby Q

No, Bobby Q is not my cousin. Bobby Q is how Mama Piggy and millions of other Chinese pronouces bar b cue. Come on, you know I'm right. heehee

Never have I BBQed on my own, but since I inherited a propane grill, I figured I should take advantage of it. So Road Scholar and I made plans for a BBQ dinner. She was suppose to come over on a Friday but plans changed & we re-scheduled for the next day. It was a good thing.

After Road Scholar called to re-schedule I thought I could grill some salmon myself that night. To my dismay, after an hour of cleaning and fiddling around, I realize that there's no propane left in the tank. Sarah Michelle Gellar! What does this piggy have to do to get some grilled salmon??

It was pan fried salmon that night. sigh

First thing in the morning I go to Home Cheapo to swap out my propane tank. I rush home, hook up the tank & am ready to grill drumsticks for lunch. After five fildding around minutes, I realize the ignition button is broken. No problem. Just throw a match in. Of course it didn't dawn on me that the gas had been building up inside the grill.

Woosh! I turned my head to the left, as if that alone would save me from the flame. Luckily, my hair was in a ponytail, but still...there was the unmistakable smell of singed hair. I had to cut off a big section of crispy hair on the right side. My hair dresser is not going to be happy about this. Guess I could tell her I got Bobby Q-ed...

Like I said, it was a good thing Road Scholar re-scheduled. I learned valuable lessons about the propane grill in time to prevent our dinner of rib eye, sausage & veggie skewers and salad from going up in flames.

Oh, Michael Bluth

Jason Bateman is Man of Style in this issue of InStyle Magazine. He can be my Man of Style every month.

Jason made a great comeback with Arrested Development, and boy was I glad. He came back hotter than ever! (And I was equally crushed when they decided to end the show.)

Here's a quote from the magazine article: There's a 300 pound man inside of me waiting to get out, so if I don't do an hour of cardio every day I will explode.

Jason totally gets me. The Fat Girl Inside is 300 pounds and just waiting to get comfortable in the oversized sweatpants and tshirt. He understands.

If you ever find yourself single, Jason, you can slap this piggy pork butt. tee hee

Piggy See, Piggy Do

Mama Piggy chose Nice Time Deli for her birthday dinner. It's a good place for Taiwanese styled dishes. It's a step above hole in the wall so don't expect great service unless you know how to speak Mandarin. The food, however, is authentic. Just the way I remember Mama Piggy used to make.

I wanted to take her to a nicer place, a sushi place perhaps, but Mama Piggy is not picky and she was in the mood for Chinese. Also, she was hoping the owner would be there so that we'd get some free food. heehee

Here's what we ordered:

Jellyfish – gelatinous, crunchy and flavorless. I didn't care for it but Mama Piggy likes it.
Xiao long bao – juicy little steamed pork dumplings
Eggplant with basil – I wish I could make eggplant the way they do
Steamed whole rock cod with ginger, cilantro & soy sauce - one of my favorites
Goose with house sauce – surprisingly good. It wasn't gamey at all.
Oyster noodle soup – just like the kind Brother and I used to have from the street vendors in Taiwan, on the way home from our swimming lessons

Their xiao long bao may not be as good as Din Tai Fung across the street, but Nice Time is cheaper and has a bigger menu.

One of Mama Piggy's friends joined us and we ate just about everything. There was only a small take out box of eggplant left, which disappeared down my throat within minutes of getting home…

Nothing to Sing About

Brother and I went to lunch this weekend. We had both not been to Saladang in a while so we decided to go. Shoulda went to President Thai instead.

Saladang had never been a great restaurant. Mediocre food and definitely overpriced. But the ambiance was nice so we went every once in a while. I think this weekend is my last visit there.

The service was lousy and the food was still mediocre. The waitresses were rude. Looked at me as if I was crazy when I asked for chopsticks and more water.

At the end of the meal, after waiting 15 minutes, I asked where our leftovers were. There was confusion & finally, 5 minutes later, they brought a bag over. I decided to check & sure enough, it wasn't our food. We brought it to the front and complained. There was more confusion and they had no idea what the hell they were doing. After 10 more minutes of waiting around we decided to leave and never go back.

Saladang didn't even offer to make it up to us. They said "Sorry", but it was said in the way a child would when a parent made him apologize.

You can keep your "sorry" and your lousy food and service, Saladang. You'll lose lots of customers soon enough.

Little Piggy Galoshes

Happy Birthday, Mama Piggy!!!

Click here for a funny story of a piglet, named Cinderella, who's afraid of dirt.

This little piggy is also afraid of dirt...sometimes. ;)

Sophomore Blues

The Fat Girl Inside is back! No cable AND no internet? That was almost as bad as the no-carb diet! If they didn't give me Showtime free for a year, I woulda dumped Time Warner and hooked up with satellite TV. Well, one more screw up and I'm kickin' Time Warner to the curb.

Back to my food obsession...

I began my high school sophomore year in a new school, in a new state. We had just moved to Cerritos, California. Sally and I had AP English together and we became fast friends. One day when I met Sally for lunch she was holding something I had not seen before. (Keep in mind that at the time I was from a mainly white city of the east coast, very sheltered and preferred Mama Piggy's Chinese cooking to anything else.)

Sally was carrying what seemed like little round sticks stuffed with something, covered in a green sauce. What the hell? She told me it was taquitos with guacamole. That was my introduction to Mexican food. The school cafeteria is no source of quality food, of course, but I was in love with guacamole instantly. So, what did I do? I had two servings of taquitos.

Half way through my Biology class I started feeling queasy. I knew it was inevitable but I tried to fight it. Finally, I couldn't fight it any more. I had to cup my mouth with my hand to stop the vomit from spewing out onto the back of the head of the kid in front of me. I stood up and headed for the door. My biology teacher and I made eye contact for a second and he knew exactly what was happening.

As soon as I rounded the corner of the building, I couldn't hold it in any more. I left a trail of watery green liquid mixed with little bits of taquito all the way to the restroom.

I never had school cafeteria Mexican food again.

Chubby Chased 4

As the Taste of the Nation event came to a close and we took our pictures with Antonia (Top Chef) and her daughter, Titty Vortex 1 and I stopped to watch the Top Waiter contest for a minute.

That was when I noticed Chubby Chaser staring at me. His two friends also staring. They also stared at TV1. I felt uncomfortable so I told TV1 that we should head over to the valet. I could feel their eyes burning holes into the backs of our heads as we walked away.

The line at the valet was long. Kirk Cameron and family were also waiting in line. They're so cute. The kids were well behaved. His wife is beautiful & oh so skinny (lucky bitch).

We sat down since we figured it was gonna take a while. It seemed like it was the valets' first day on the job. Anyway, we were talking about our favorite foods and minding our own business when Chubby Chaser and his two friends walked up.

Chubby Chaser: Hey, are you ladies going to the party?

Fat Girl (aka TV2): No.

Chubby Chaser: Why don't you join us for a drink? We're going to "fresh".

TV1: Where?

Chubby Chaser: Fresh. You've never heard of it? (Chubby Chaser slides me his business card. The restaurant he refers to is Fraiche.)

TV1 & TV2: No.

Chubby Chaser: It's "fresh". You don't know? (incredulous that we didn't know)

TV1 and I fell silent and Chubby Chaser & company walked on.

I wanted to tell him: This is how you say it, "fraiche" (French pronunciation). You should learn how to pronounce it if you work there. Idiot.

TV1 and I knew what he was talking about but didn't want to correct him. Why? Why did we feel like we had to spare his feelings & not correct him in front of his friends?

We also held in our giggles and laughter til we got into the car. I think next time we should just laugh in their faces.

Belly Bustin' Goodness

The Share Our Strength Taste of the Nation event was fantastic. As I imagined, our stomachs weren't big enough to hold all the offerings from each participating restaurant/chef. Titty Vortex 1 and I (the other half of the Vortex) were so excited we didn't know where to start. It didn't take long for us to get our rhythm; eat, comment on food, take a swig of wine & move on to the next booth.

Some of our favorites were:

Boa Steakhouse - 12 hour smoked kobe brisket on a King's Hawaiian sweet roll

Water Grill - oyster on the half shell

Sona - braised pork belly with smoked eggplant puree & celery root shiso salad

La Cachette - divine chocolate cake

Sushi Roku - tuna carpaccio with soy truffle vinaigrette & spicy tuna hand roll

My absolute favorite was the braised pork belly. So tender. So fatty.

Titty Vortex 1's favorite was the smoked kobe brisket. That was also nice & fatty. We had two of those.

After maybe 10-12 booths, we had to head to the VIP lounge and take a break. But once we got there we realized there was even more food! Seared scallops, purple artichoke hearts, caviar, champagne... It was non-stop food! (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

We waddled out towards the cookoff area after we gave our stomachs some rest. The cookoff was hosted by Kirk Cameron! He looks good. I remember my junior high crush on him. His wife & six kids were also in attendance. They're a cute family.

Iron Chef Cat Cora, Evan Kleinman (KCRW), Jonathan something (food critic) and some other guy I didn't recognize were the judges. Antonia from Top Chef made duck spring rolls with a light vinaigrette for the competition. She didn't win. And she wouldn't tell us if she won Top Chef. We got some good pictures & you can view them here.

Now that we're experienced, Titty Vortex 1 and I have our game plan for next year so that we can stuff even more food down our throats than we did this year. =)

The Gong Show

About three years ago Togapii and I were on Hawaii's big island. There was a lot of hiking those couple of days. We hiked across a huge volcanic crater and we hiked to the edge (as close to the edge as we thought was safe) of the lava flow, with the light of the full moon to guide us. Everything was just beautiful. I'm really bad at remembering the names of places, but perhaps Togapii can remind me...

So one of those days, after the hike across the volcanic crater, we stopped by a local restaurant. I wanted to order the big bowl of Hawaiian style udon noodle soup called "The Sumo". Togappii laughed at me & asked if I was really gonna order it and eat it all. I thought "Why not? It can't be that big."

While we were waiting for our food, occasionally we'd see a memeber of the wait staff strike the gong at the counter and yell "SUMO!" Then all eyes in the restaurant followed a waiter with a big bowl as he walked between the tables and chairs and served it to its rightful customer. After two or three gongs we realized that that's what they do right before they serve The Sumo! Damn it. I know I'm a pig, but they don't have to announce to the entire restaurant!

Togapii giggled at the thought of me being gonged. Luckily, the waiter who brought The Sumo over thought Togapii was the one who ordered it. So he suffered the stares of all the patrons. heehee

They were right...it was a BIG bowl. Tried I did, but I couldn't finish that thing.

I brought home a little Hawaiian plant and named it "Sumo" =)

Well Done

Road Scholar was kind enough to treat me to a fantastic birthday dinner at 750 ml. I've been wanting to try this place since it opened cuz it looks so cute & charming. It received mediocre and terrible reviews at first but I think they've got things down now.

Road Scholar and I chowed down while Road Scholar's baby girl, Piano Toes, watched and drooled. The wait staff was quite accommodating of Piano Toes and her stroller. They stopped by to ooh, ah and coo over Piano Toes.

We started on a salad of baby greens, grapes, roasted pine nuts with a mildly sweet vinaigrette and goat cheese. The chef was gracious enough to oblige my request to substitute the goat for a cheddar. I know, chefs hate it when customers think they know better. But it wasn't cuz I thought I knew better, it's just that I'll throw up if I eat goat cheese.

Anyway, we both wanted a good piece of meat (don't we all? ;) ) so steak frites it was. Thankfully, they know how to do medium. They also know how to do homemade ketchup for their crispy fries. Yummy. I woulda licked my plate but I didn't wanna embarrass Road Scholar.

I almost forgot the wine... I don't really know what to say about it except that it was good...? Shame on me. But come on, I'm a vodka kinda girl.

The only disappointing thing was the lack of chocolate in their dessert choices. Luckily Buster's was right across the street. We undid the buttons of our jeans and walked over to Buster's. I could almost taste the mocha chip in a waffle cone...and then we see...CLOSED. Chad Michael Murray! What's a piggy gotta do for some birthday ice cream?

Fresh Squeezed

Oh my sweet baby Jesus! I think I'm in love <3

It happened at happy hour at Mojitos with Cuggs, Eli Stone & Mrs. Stone. It was love at first sight. Ya, it'd be better if I was speaking of a tall, sweet cutie, but I speak of the pineapple mojitos. sigh It does come in a tall glass and is refreshing & sweet...

I've been to this location when it was Xiomara, but it was during lunch so I didn't try the mojitos. Clearly, I completely missed out on a good thing until now. They make mojitos like mojitos should be made, with fresh squeezed sugar cane juice. Their sugar cane is flown in from Florida. All the other ingredients are also fresh. I had several pineapple mojitos, as did Eli. Cuggs had the mango mojito and Mrs. Stone had martini mojitos. We were quite enamoured with our drinks and would have loved it if happy hour lasted longer. We didn't have time to try the bartender's special, the strawberry kiwi mojito. I'll be sure to order that first next time.

Their Cuban sandwiches are great too! Nice juicy pork & full of flavor. The ceviche...well, I wouldn't order again. The first couple of bites were OK but it started going downhill afterwards. That would be the only thing that's not quite so fresh. Too bad.

We walked two doors down to Vive. That was quite a disappointment. Their so called mojitos were no match for the real thing and the food...meh. Vive may want to take a few lessons from its neighbor, but I doubt they'll steal this piggy away from Mojitos' mojitos.

A Good Flop

So while we were at the Wynn, Poker Princess talked me into sitting down at the poker table. (I have to give it to the Wynn. They have a strict No Smoking rule in their Poker Room.) It was my first time at a poker table. $4/$8 Texas Hold 'Em, with limits.

There have been few times in my life when I was more nervous than when I sat down at that poker table. Everything I learned about poker left my mind as soon as I sat down. Everyone seemed so serious! It was like we were playing in a million dollar tournament. Very different from the blackjack tables.

I broke up the somber mood with my first move. I was big blind, and since I forgot everything, I threw away my hand instead of sitting in to see the flop for free. The guys sitting on either side of me went "NOOOOOOO!" as soon as I threw away my hand. They and the dealer took pity & re-schooled me. heehee I'm sure everyone already knew, but just to have it spoken out loud, I told everyone to "go ahead & laugh, it's my first time so it shouldn't be hard to take my money."

Maybe 10 or 12 hands later, I got pocket twos. Then I flopped four of a kind! I was thrilled! The pot got bigger & bigger. When I revealed my hand everyone was shocked and I enjoyed my adrenaline rush. This little piggy couldn't hold on to her poker face. I smiled for the next 10 minutes.

Even better than that, Poker Princess and I learned that we can do just about anything at the poker table. We can talk on the phone, text, and order food! Hot chocolate, smoothies, tequila shots and even dinner. There was a guy chowing down on a juicy burger. I think I'd be in really big trouble if they were to offer that at blackjack.

Sugary Goodness

Many many thanks to Trixie for picking up my birthday cheese rolls & the awesome chocolate grand marnier cake! Thanks also to the Crew for the SanSai lunch. You really know how to push this little piggy's stomach to the limit!





You guys are awesome! xoxoFat Girl

A Thousand Words

It's so great when one can stretch birthday celebrations out into almost the whole month. The pictures can tell the stories better so enjoy. Besides, I'm too tired from giving my money to the casinos in Vegas.

Yummy Cupcakes from the great Boss Man, Naughty Blonde and Clueless Jew:

At Engine Company 28 with Loaf, TechGeek, Choobs, Caps, Cuggs and Titty Vortex 1. heehee :

At Wynn Las Vegas with Poker Princess. I know, I know...shoulda took pictures of the food but we were too hungry to pause for pictures. It's great to get the room comped. But to get the room and Buffet comped is HEAVEN:

Teen Piggy

Once there was a two-night youth group sleepover at our house when I was in eight or ninth grade. Yes, this little piggy used to be a good little church girl. Can you imagine? Now,I might be headed straight to hell. Wanna carpool?

Mama Piggy was cool and kept us supplied with Coke, 7Up, Mountain Dew, potato chips, doritos, cookies, fig newtons and candy. We got to order pizza, burgers & fries, and more pizza. It was great to be allowed to eat all that for two days, but honestly, I missed Mama Piggy's cooking.

So...one of those afternoons, we were gathered in the living room doing some sort of group exercise. There were bowls of junk food everywhere. I was particularly attentive to my sour cream & onion potato chips while most of my team was focused on the exercise.

Fanny spoke very softly and was not demanding in anyway. (I wonder if she's still the same way.) She was sitting two people away from me. Speaking to no one in particular, Fanny asked for the bowl of doritos to be passed. No one responded so she asked again. And again her request was not heard, except by me. Instead of asking again, Fanny reeeached over and passed the bowl herself. Then she said, "Thank you."!

I wanted to laugh so hard! I know, it was kinda mean of me not to help her but I wanted to see what she would do. In a way, she's a lot like this little piggy. Fanny doesn't let little things get between her and her food.

Chubby Chased 3

This little piggy went to the market, my local Trader Joe's. I don't know what it is but I am somewhat frequently Chubby Chased at the market, at Trader Joe's or at some other big name market. Maybe Chubby Chasers know chubby chicks love to eat so they just hang out at a major source of food...?

Anyway, I got what I went in for. Six or seven bags of frozen artichoke hearts. I heat up the artichoke hearts in the microwave & melt some sharp cheddar cheese over them. OMG! So yummy!

Standing in line, the guy behind me starts chasing.

Chubby Chaser: What's your nationality?

Fat Girl: Chinese.

Chubby Chaser: 100% Chinese?

Fat Girl: (somewhat exasperated) Yes.

Chubby Chaser: You look mixed.

Fat Girl: OK...(is that suppose to be a compliment? insult?)

Chubby Chaser: You have very exotic eyes. Very nice.

Fat Girl: Thanks.

Thankfully it was my turn at the register. The TJ crew member (as they like to be called) at the register sensed I was uncomfortable and remained in conversation with me so that I didn't have to answer any more stupid questions from Chubby Chaser. Bless his heart. Too bad Chubby Chaser didn't sense that I was uncomfortable. He tried to join in the conversation. What a numbnut.

If Chubby Chaser was at least 6 feet tall, had a nice smile and said something clever I woulda been friendlier. I'm no Victoria's Secret model, but still, this little piggy's got standards.

The MVP - Kobe, as in Kobe Beef

Some friends and I made a trip to Geisha House recently. The experience was great, the food could have been better.

My favorite that night was the Kobe Beef Carpaccio. The menu listed wasabi as one of the ingredients. When you get the dish there's no wasabi to be found, until you take a bite. They've strategically placed delightful, tiny, caviar-like wasabi balls around the dish. They pop as you chew and provide a new texture and flavor that's not expected. It's quite nice.

The second favorite was the fried sesame chicken. The batter was almost right, just a tiny bit heavy. But it did carry out a good sesame flavor, which most Japanese places seem to not get the hang of.

The Over the Rainbow Roll and Red Samurai Roll were just OK. There was another dish but I can't even remember what it was so it must not have been good or bad enough to remember. Just mediocre.

I would fight that terrible Hollywood traffic just to have the beef carpaccio again. But if given a choice, I'd rather go to Sasabune.

Today's Special: Joel McHale

OK, I know this is stretching it a bit. This really has nothing to do with food, except that the name of his show is The Soup.

I just have to say that Joel McHale is yummy. I didn't think so at first, but he grew on me. His sense of humor really tickles this little piggy's babyback ribs.

I know he's married. So is Gordon Ramsay. damn it Just let me live in my dream world for now. (Where are you, Kermit? Don't keep a piggy waiting. Love between a pig & a frog is possible. Really)

So, um, where was I? Oh, yes. Joel, if you're ever in the mood for Chinese, I've got some BBQ pork buns for you. heehee

You Really Got Me Now

There's something freeing about admitting that I am in an abusive relationship. Sometimes Food abuses me, but mostly I am the one afflicting the abuse. Either way, we have come to an understanding. I may throw tantrums, I may threaten to go on a hunger strike, I may run into the arms of Vodka. (Incidentally, love this title: Are you there, Vodka? It's me, Chelsea.) In the end, I come crawling back and Food knows just how to comfort me.

Now that my unhealthy relationship is out in the open, here's another confession. It may not come as a surprise to you...I'm a closet eater. But I'm a controlled closet eater. I know there is no such thing, just let me live in my dream world. I can't help it. The Fat Girl Inside screams "Feed me!" like Audrey II and it must be obeyed.

I am that Fat Girl who cuts a pat of butter and licks it off the knife. Then goes back for more. I am that Fat Girl who eats a dozen glazed Krispy Kreme donuts. I am that Fat Girl who eats half a Costco-sized bag of King's Hawaiian sweet rolls. I am that Fat Girl who eats the leftovers as soon as I get home.

Sometimes I shed a tear, other times I'm too deep in my food coma to care. Sometimes I hate Food, other times I hate The Fat Girl Inside. But all of the time, I continue to think about and long for Food.

Carbs Derailed

O, Bitterness!

My all carb weekend was sabotaged! It was Saturday afternoon. I ordered a ham and cheese with fresh ground mustard on a doughy bun. Then I ordered a cheese and chocolate brownie to nibble on as I shopped. I made a mental note of the huge chocolate chip cookie in case I wanted to come back for it.

It had been maybe 30 minutes since I finished that sandwich when I felt slightly dizzy. There was the tiniest hint of my stomach wanting to throw up, but I hadn't finished my brownie...so I kept eating. Perhaps that was a bad decision.

But I'm glad I stuck it out and stood in line while fighting back the awful throw up feeling cuz I got an insane deal on some cute Michael Kors metallic sandals. The original retail price was $198 and I got them for $32! That's right, mo-fos. Be jealous.

As soon as I got home I went straight for the bathroom. And I think we all know what happened there. Then I passed out on the couch.

I felt better on Sunday morning, but was actually a little afraid to eat. So all I ate that day was eggs, crackers, and lots of gingerale and water. Damn the chef who served me that bad ham and cheese! Damn him!

One Hit Wonder

Shortly after opening, the cafeteria within the Achoo! building decided to class it up. They wanted to be called "commissary" not "cateteria" and they invited a "star chef" to improve their menus. I don't know what kind of "star chef" he was, but bless their little hearts for trying.

There was one item I did like. A LOT. They premiered their rueben pastrami melt on focaccia. OMG! I'm not a huge fan of cured meats but the flavor combination of sourkraut, pastrami, cheese, foccacia & their secret sauce was close to a foodgasm.

After I devoured it and all the fries that came with it, I went down and ordered another. It had only been, oh, I'd say 15 to 20 minutes since I first appeared in the cafeteria commissary that day so the line cook remembered me. He shook his head and laughed when he saw me again. I didn't care. I endured it. I quickly took my food back up to the office and enjoyed my second lunch.

Sadly, they have not created the same level of food since. The next time the rueben pastrami melt came up on the menu rotation, they had replaced the focaccia with sour dough or some other tasteless white bread. They got lazy and sloppy and that was the end of my love for their rueben pastrami melt.

All You Can Eat Weekend

This little piggy is making a list. A list of the all-carb items I want to eat this weekend. Ya, I'm giving the no carb diet another go...The jeans do feel more comfortable, especially around the old jelly belly.

So here's my piggy list so far:

• Krispy Kreme donuts
• Grilled Cheese
• Mac & Cheese
• King's Hawaiian Sweet Rolls
• PB&J
• Mashed Potatoes
• All Chocolate Cake
• Father Nature Fries
• Baskin Robbins' Mocha Blast
• Versailles Cuban Style Roasted Pork with extra rice & plantains
• Porto's Cheese Rolls
• Real Coke, not Coke Zero

Oh my sweet baby Jesus. I'm gonna be on a sugar high all weekend.

Share our Strength

What's that sound? Can you hear it? It's the happy squeals of this little piggy! Cuz this little piggy is going to Taste of the Nation!

Just looking at the partial list of participating restaurants makes my knees weak.

A lot of food will be consumed in those three short hours. I'm afraid that stopping when I feel full is still going to be a lesson unlearned...

Also, Happy Birthday, Conan!

All joking aside...

If you are not able to attend this event but would like to help end childhood hunger, please donate by clicking here.

Whachu Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

The produce section at my grocery store seems quite a happenin' spot. I'm almost always happy when I'm food shopping so I guess I understand that people tend to strike up conversations when doing so. The only time I'm not as happy is when I'm on the no carb diet. That forces me to skip the King's Hawaiian sweet rolls, the potatoes, the Haagen-Dazs! Anyway, I've overheard and have been part of some interesting exchanges there. Here's one of those exchanges.

This little piggy was trying to pick the least bruised bananas with just the right coloring. Yes, I'm particular about my bananas. On one side, a guy was walking up to the banana section. On the other side, the produce lady has already walked up to me and offered me a slice of watermelon. Normally, I would have taken it but my hands were dirty and I didn't want to stick dirty hands in my mouth to remove the Invisalign. She asks me again to make sure, and I decline again. So she moves on to her next target.

As soon as she asked the question, I looked at the guy to see his reaction. I wanted to say out loud what was expressed on his face:

Oh no you di'n't just ask a black man if he wanted some watermelon!

What he actually said was: Yeah! Of course!

Then he laughs (and I laugh) and looks at me as if to say, "Does this lady not know how much black people like watermelon?"

Almost Finger Lickin' Good

I must confess, I'm a tech retard. So to avoid deleting my entire iTunes library instead of backing it up, I asked for help. Loaf and her hubby, TechGeek, came to the rescue. There was some geek talk between them that I didn't understand. No matter. In the end, TechGeek backed up my library to DVDs and my external hard drive.

To thank Loaf and TechGeek for their trouble, we went to a local soul food joint. It's great for good fried chicken without having to drive too far. Perhaps they haven't changed the oil or they didn't soak the chicken in buttermilk overnight, or both...the chicken didn't taste as good as I remembered. Still, it was good enough. They did improve on the collard greens. Much tastier this time.

We all cleared our plates and ordered dessert to go. We went back to my place to enjoy the key lime pie & peach cobbler while we watched the Lakers spank the Spurs. I love a lazy, food filled Sunday.

Gimme More

The place: Sasabune. I wish I could afford to go there more often. sigh

The players: DrinkYourDrink, JustOneShot (together, they are the Tequila Sisters) and Fat Girl.

The occasion: Fancy birthday lunch for DrinkYourDrink.

I had hyped up this place so much it became a big event. So big that we all took a day off work just so we could have plenty of time to enjoy the food and, of course, dilly dally a bit. We wanted to get there ahead of the lunch rush and sit at the sushi bar.

We each ordered the Chef Special. You don't know what you're getting but you will not regret it. The freshest sushi ever! The yellowtail...so buttery. drool We ordered extra yellowtail and salmon because we had to, just in case that was the last time we ever ate sushi.

The Chef Special ended with a tremendous crab roll. So good that we each ordered another crab roll. After we finished our rolls we ordered yet another plate of assorted sashimi. The Chef looked at us and you can tell he wanted to say: You're kidding me, right? You can eat more?

The Tequila Sisters and I had no shame. We spent a solid two hours at the sushi bar. Top 100 best two hours of my life for sure.

Shuga

There was a time when I was really diggin' the "dark meat." heehee The fever has passed, but I still dig it. At the peak of my fever I met Raymond. He was beautiful. 6 foot 3, all muscle, with the smoothest skin - except for where he was burned as a child.

Ray was a few years my senior and he took such good care of me. He bought me lots of food! The first time he saw me really eat he was surprised that I could stuff so much into my 5 foot 3 frame. He was surprised, but he let me eat. Ray never made me feel bad about eating.

We were at BB King's once. The waitress wasn't so friendly. I guess she disapproved of a black man dating outside his own race. Ray had a few words with the manager and we got a much nicer waitress. An appetizer, salad, one and a half entrees (my entree and half of his) later, Ray just shook his head and laughed and asked what I wanted for dessert.

Of course I didn't love Ray just because of the food we shared. He was sweet, gentle and patient. And I know it's not easy to be patient with me. Sometimes I wonder why I let him go.

Smoked Ham

There were many times I narrowly escaped death. One of those times was in fifth grade. OK, it wasn't that serious, and maybe I was partially responsible for causing the dire situation, but I was in fifth grade. Every kid gets into some kinda trouble every once in a while. heehee

My brother and I were often dropped off at the local library on weekends and were expected to finish our homework, read or play quietly for several hours. This particular weekend one of our friends, Pearl, came along. After we did some work, we wanted to go run around outside.

We decided to play house in the library's clusters of pine trees. My brother was the Dad, Pearl was the Mom and I was the baby. Pearl and my brother gathered pine branches and made a tee pee of sorts. I was given the responsibility of lighting the fire for dinner. The fact that "the baby" got to play with fire tells you none of us should be parents. Ever.

Don't ask me where we got the matches, we just had them. The three of us learned very quickly that pine needles burn quite easily. Within seconds our tee pee was filled with smoke and then became ablaze like nothing we had experienced before. We tried to throw dirt on top of it, but of course the ground was covered with fallen pine needles... I'm surprised nobody saw the billows of smoke coming from the trees behind the library.

Pearl grabbed my most favorite sweater in the whole wide world, my pink Miss Piggy sweater, and started smothering the fire with it. Amazingly, it worked. When the fire was out, we stood looking wild eyed at each other. I was torn. I was relieved the fire was extinguished, but I was sad my sweater was destroyed.

Brother: Let's go back inside and eat our snacks. (Looking at me) Don't tell Mom about your sweater.

I didn't and she didn't even notice it was gone.

Chubby Chased 2

A few years ago Achoo!'s employees were situated in a much prettier city of California. A few steps outside our office doors were retail stores and restaurants galore. I miss that.

Anyway, one morning I step out to go to the diner around the corner and down the street. What did I order? Come on, you know it's gotta be eggs benedict! As I'm crossing the street a jogger sidles up next to me.

Chubby Chaser: Ahnyeonghaesaeyo!

Fat Girl: I'm not Korean.

Chubby Chaser: Konichiwa!

Fat Girl: I'm not Japanese.

Chubby Chaser: Ni hao! (Mandarin Chinese)

Fat Girl: I'm fine, thank you.

Chubby Chaser: (Pulling out a business card, seemingly from out of nowhere) Here's my number, call me.

Fat Girl: (Reluctantly taking business card) Oh...o...k...

Chubby Chaser: You're not gonna call me, are you?

Fat Girl: Nope.

Chubby Chaser: Can I have my card back?

That Chubby Chaser was many things. The three things that stood out most:

1. Jackass

2. Cheap

3. Keeping me from my breakfast!

Vegas Diet

The weekend was spent in Vegas. Probably the only time I don't eat very much is when I'm in Vegas. We'll go for a nice dinner on one of the nights but that's about it. The rest of the Vegas diet consists of vodka, cranberry juice, water, tequila, vodka, water, snack foods, maybe a lite breakfast, maybe a sandwich and vodka. It's a great way to lose weight, by the way. (Don't try this at home, boys and girls.)

While my friends are sleeping at 3AM, I'm at the blackjack table with a guy I met earlier. Tall, blonde, blue eyes & a great smile. Just the kind of white boy I like. His friends are also asleep & think he has a gambling problem. What problem?

We talked. We laughed. We won some money. He offered breakfast. I accepted. We bonded over eggs benedict. This Vegas diet is awesome.

Less Time on the Couch

The season finale of inTREATMENT is tonight. After that, what will I do? Whose patient sessions will I watch to make me feel better about myself, to make me feel I'm really not that crazy? What will I do with all that extra time?

I think this forces me to turn to food therapy. It's just too easy. It takes so little for me to eat.

Why do you do this to me, HBO? I still haven't completely forgiven you for canceling Rome.

Great Notes

Today I was flipping through my notebook for information I needed to clarify some project launch we're so excited about. I came to a page with just one sentence on it. It was written to Loaf during one of our many meetings. It was a great sentence though:

Eggs benedict would be so good right now.

I need to shred this notebook.

When Pigs Fly

For years I've had nothing to say when Mama Piggy commented on my weight or told me I needed to lose some. So I finally decided that I'll have a comeback ready for the next time. Well, the next time was this past weekend when I was at her house.

Mama Piggy: You've gained some weight!

Fat Girl: You've gained more than I have!

Mama Piggy: I'm a 60 year old woman. I'm not the one who needs to look cute and look for a husband.

Damn! She out-comebacked my comeback!

Lessons Not Learned

Button Popper. That’s what someone called me once. I prompted that Button Popper comment cuz I complained about how I should have stopped eating an hour ago, and that the threads were straining to keep that little button on my jeans.

There were many times when I overstuffed my pork cutlet. One of those times was in 7th grade. Lori was my new best friend. She invited me to dinner at her house. Lori’s mom was going to let us shape our own hamburger patties and put on as many toppings as we wanted! Lori’s mom was awesome! (Also, Lori’s mom had the sweetest, smoothest voice I had ever heard up to that point in my life, the kind of voice that only black women are blessed with.)

The burgers we made were quarter pound burgers. Lori and I each ate two. Don’t ask me how. I felt great as I swallowed my last mouthful. Five minutes later, not so great. I sat down and stopped participating in whatever game we were playing. Lori did the same. But Lori’s little sister, who was much smarter and only ate half of a burger, wanted us to keep playing. I told her I couldn't move.

Lori went to the couch. I stayed on the floor. It hurt to breathe. I thought that was the last meal I was to ever eat. I wanted to cry. Lori’s mom looked sympathetically at us. Her expression was one of pity, but on the verge of laughing in my face. Now that I think about it, why did she let us eat so much??? Well, I think I passed out because I don’t remember the rest of the night.

After that and numerous similarly excruciating experiences you would think that I'd learn to eat slowly and stop when I’m full. I think you can see where I’m going with this...I’m pig-headed.

Food TV - Semi-Real to Real Sexy

Is it just me or has Sandra Lee (of Food Network fame) morphed into a semi-alive store mannequin? She was really pretty just a couple of years ago. I think this one needs to be filed under Awful Plastic Surgery. Don't get me wrong, she's a great lady and I do admire all her charitable work. I just wonder what happened.

Side note: Why is it that Rachel Ray feels like she needs to yell? She needs to bring it down a couple of clicks.

Anyway, my favorite Food Network Host would have to be Alton Brown. He's smart, funny, cute, goofy and of course, a great cook! (You know I love YOU, Kermit.)

As wonderful as Alton is, I'm afraid there's another Chef who just might possibly steal this piggy heart from Kermit. Who possesses such great power?

Gordon Ramsay - yummy Scottish/British sugar coated candyman.

Hey Gordon, you know what the other white meat is? Piggy hoochie mama! I've got some pork chops you can smother! Mmm!

OK, let me stop before this little piggy has to take a cold shower. I'll be watching the 4th season premiere of Hell's Kitchen on April 1st!

Oink! Oink!

Little Fat Girl

It was summertime. I was 10. We were unsupervised latchkey kids, my brother & I.

Breakfast was a big bowl (or two) of the favorite cereal of the week. For a few weeks (OK, the whole summer) I was hooked on Kellogg's corn flakes topped with a heaping spoonful of sugar.

Lunch was dinner leftovers or another bowl of cereal. If I was not in a hurry to get back to playing Mule, Spy vs. Spy or Ghost Busters on our high tech Commodore 64, I'd even make eggs for lunch. Sometimes scrambled, sometimes over easy. (It would be another year before I discovered soft poached eggs.)

Afternoon snack was almost always some sort of frozen delight. Ice cream sandwiches, mint chocolate chip ice cream, strawberry ice cream with real strawberry chunks, fudgesicles... We enjoyed the abundant treasure of yummy, sugary goodness from our freezer as we watched Thundercats, Voltron and every other cartoon.

In between all that eating, playing and general dilly dallying we actually read books. Because we had to. One book a week and write a book report. I wish I knew where those book reports are, I'd love to read them now.

Anyway, my point is...I was a fat little girl and my brother was skinny. It's so unfair.

Chubby Chased

While walking to my car one day in the supermarket parking lot, I hear someone following close behind me. From the sound of the engine, I guessed it was a pickup. When I turned to look, I congratulated myself on guessing correctly. The driver of the pickup & I had a brief exchange:

Chubby Chaser: You're what we're fightin' fer over there.

Fat Girl: Oh...um...thank...you?

Chubby Chaser: Oh yeah...

I turned around and got to my car in record time. You've never seen a fatty move so fast!

On the way home, I had a few thoughts:

1. I thought "we're fightin' fer" truth, justice and the American way? (ha! I know...if this was a political blog, I'd go on)

2. Should I be flattered?

3. Think of good comebacks when/if this ever happens again. I hate it when I don't have a good comeback.

4. Get yourself some pepper spray.

5. Damn it! I forgot to get cheese!

A Tough Cookie

Today was All Donut Challenge Day. Lemme explain...

I work for a company whose name rhymes with the onomatopoeic sound of a sneeze (Achoo!). While I appreciate Achoo!'s effort to supply its employees with untold amounts of free sugar and all forms of bleached all purpose flour, it really tears me apart when Fat Girl can't partake.

What greeted me as I walked into the breakroom this morning? Boxes and BOXES of donuts! A lesser cookie would've crumbled but Fat Girl turned her double chin away and huffed out without swiping the few crumbs at the edge of one of the boxes.

Later in the afternoon, I hear that Achoo! has hired some vendor to fry fresh donuts in the downstairs lounge! Ooooh, I can just hear those donuts screaming my name as they're dropped into the hot oil. I can also hear them mocking me, "Thaaat's right, stay away. A girl your size really shouldn't be eating donuts anyway."

I think I deserve an extra cinnamon roll this weekend.

Doughy Dreams

This no-carb diet thing probably isn't working. Evidence: I am hungry barely an hour after I eat inhale a double cheeseburger - protein style. How is that possible?

Well, I'll have the last laugh when I release myself from that no-carb hell this weekend. Cinnamon buns will be baked. I want that hot, sticky, ooey, gooey mess all over my...uh, that sounds dirty, but you know what I mean.

Pictures will be taken.