Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Loaf or Two

Today I took one of the most satisfying dumps in recent memory. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about poop.

It's one of those dumps that disgust & amaze me simultaneously. Disgust because all of that came out of my body?!? Amazement because all of that came out of my body!?!

It’s one of those dumps that makes me feel like I just lost two pounds and I don’t have to suck in the stomach as much.

It’s one of those dumps that reminds me of Purr Muffin zipping around, almost skipping, quite happily after he’s buried his poop in the litter box. If Purr Muffin could talk, I think he’d describe a memorable dump as…euphoric. I would have to agree.

And why wouldn’t it be euphoric? It has opened up all that space in my intestines so I can fill it up again with all the foods I love and riesling…I see another memorable dump in the making!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Advice From a Fattie to a Fat Cow

Normally, I have my headphones on at work. All. Day. Long. On the days I forget my iPod or for the moments when headphones are not ideal (talking to other coworkers, conference calls,  etc.) I am treated to a host of sounds that are quite irritating and just plain rude. Near the top of that host of sounds is the sound of Effen Fat Bitch (who sits behind me) chomping on her chips with her mouth open. Every single chip.

Situations necessitated the non-use of my headphones lately and I have to say, Effen Fat Bitch eats a lot! Now, I’m not begrudging her of her constant munching all day long, but it seems she missed the lesson on chewing with her mouth closed. An average day of Effen Fat Bitch’s eating habits: breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, mid-afternoon snack #1… That’s a whole lotta eatin’ with one’s mouth open and the sound can drive a chink to bitch slap someone.

If I were to begrudge/ judge her of her constant munching, I don’t think anyone would disagree with me. Cuz seriously, does she need another bag of popcorn, chips or cookies? Sure, sure, I know, she needs the calories to sustain her 350 pounds of cringe worthiness, but why does she need to eat with her mouth open?!?!

Today, I came very close to whipping around, yelling, “Close your f*ckin’mouth when you’re eating, you fat f*ck!!!” and then punching her in her effen fat snout. Yeah, I know, it’s kinda like the kettle calling the pot black…but you have to admit there is a difference between a fattie who’s 20 pounds overweight and a fat cow who’s 200+ pounds overweight and still stuffing her face.

My disdain for Effen Fat Bitch is many-fold…she’s just an all around slob, she doesn’t really try to help herself and in a twisted way, she tries to use her weight or half-assed attempts to lose weight to gain sympathy & attention, she plays the victim. If I’m honest with myself, I’ll admit that she elicits such a vile reaction from me because I’m afraid I’ll become like her. Although, even if I were guaranteed that I had no chance of becoming overweight, I would still be royally annoyed with her opened-mouth chewing

I’m beyond surprised that she’s made it into her 40’s and not one of her “friends” has told her she should perhaps close her mouth when chewing. So if you are a friend of someone who chews with their mouth open, tell them to knock it off, for f*ck’s sake!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Drinking Myself Skinny

I'm buzzed. And I like it.

I recently received two bottles of Prinz Von Hessen Riesling 2006 (a difficult vintage to find, also it's 375ml). I had a bottle last week with very lite dinners, and my clothes are feeling kinda loose! Ok, yeah, I'm also working out a little. In any case, I'm sticking with my Riesling/Muscat dinner diet.

Tonight I put some of my favorite ingredients together: Trader Joe's Columbus salami, a few dots of Sriracha sauce on each round and a pile of arugula.

Paired it with Maddalena Muscat. I have loved the Maddalena riesling for a years and I just bought their muscat yesterday. Lovely & sweet! Perfect for the spicy Sriracha.

Looks like I'm gonna have to stock up on Trader Joe's salami cuz I'll be having this for dinner all week!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


All is well again.

I gots me a Weber Q200 grill! Then I gots me $100 worth of meat at Costco!! Rib eye, babyback ribs, skirt steak, drumsticks, sausages...

I wanna invite Ron Swanson over. We'd have ourselves a MeatFeast!
Alright, gotta go. Can't talk...Eating!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Lessons Not Learned 2

Yesterday was the second time I evacuated my intestines of my lunch withinin five days. Needless to say,  my stomach is sensitive. The first time was bad thai, the second was bad NY steak. The steak was my fault. It was more rare than medium.  I thought I could handle it but the blood and the texture of the meat got the best of me.

I know it's crazy but I am grateful for my sensitive stomach. I'd rather flush $20 down the toilet and get it over with with a few hurls than let contaminated food go through my system and make me sick for days.

Anyway, my whole point of telling you all this is that each time I toss my cookies and look at the contents floating and sinking in the porcelain bowl, I'm amazed at how terrible I am at chewing my food. Each time I promise myself I'll be a better chewer, but each time it seems I forget that promise as soon as I wipe my little teardrops off the toilet seat...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Shanghai Surprise

There's nothing like the buzzkill of seeing just how fat you really are in your vacation photos.

We were in Shanghai recently. Yummy food = diet? what diet?

But seriously, it's time to get those pork buns on the treadmill...

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Piggy Confessions 3

Courage Confidence Character

That's what I'm reading off the box of Girl Scouts Thin Mints, and it's so true...

I had the Courage to eat half a box of them Thin Mints in the about 10 minutes in the morning, and finish the other half in about the same time in the afternoon.

I had the Confidence that I could eat all 7 servings (4 cookies per serving) in one day.

I had the Character to push through the last 4 cookies each time even though I was definitely feeling a sugar coma coming on.

Yes, I had a micro-second of Thin Mint remorse. But I swear I'll get off my Giant Mint shaped ass & start walking my 3 miles every day on March 1st.