Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Advice From a Fattie to a Fat Cow

Normally, I have my headphones on at work. All. Day. Long. On the days I forget my iPod or for the moments when headphones are not ideal (talking to other coworkers, conference calls,  etc.) I am treated to a host of sounds that are quite irritating and just plain rude. Near the top of that host of sounds is the sound of Effen Fat Bitch (who sits behind me) chomping on her chips with her mouth open. Every single chip.

Situations necessitated the non-use of my headphones lately and I have to say, Effen Fat Bitch eats a lot! Now, I’m not begrudging her of her constant munching all day long, but it seems she missed the lesson on chewing with her mouth closed. An average day of Effen Fat Bitch’s eating habits: breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, mid-afternoon snack #1… That’s a whole lotta eatin’ with one’s mouth open and the sound can drive a chink to bitch slap someone.

If I were to begrudge/ judge her of her constant munching, I don’t think anyone would disagree with me. Cuz seriously, does she need another bag of popcorn, chips or cookies? Sure, sure, I know, she needs the calories to sustain her 350 pounds of cringe worthiness, but why does she need to eat with her mouth open?!?!

Today, I came very close to whipping around, yelling, “Close your f*ckin’mouth when you’re eating, you fat f*ck!!!” and then punching her in her effen fat snout. Yeah, I know, it’s kinda like the kettle calling the pot black…but you have to admit there is a difference between a fattie who’s 20 pounds overweight and a fat cow who’s 200+ pounds overweight and still stuffing her face.

My disdain for Effen Fat Bitch is many-fold…she’s just an all around slob, she doesn’t really try to help herself and in a twisted way, she tries to use her weight or half-assed attempts to lose weight to gain sympathy & attention, she plays the victim. If I’m honest with myself, I’ll admit that she elicits such a vile reaction from me because I’m afraid I’ll become like her. Although, even if I were guaranteed that I had no chance of becoming overweight, I would still be royally annoyed with her opened-mouth chewing

I’m beyond surprised that she’s made it into her 40’s and not one of her “friends” has told her she should perhaps close her mouth when chewing. So if you are a friend of someone who chews with their mouth open, tell them to knock it off, for f*ck’s sake!