Friday, March 28, 2008

Less Time on the Couch

The season finale of inTREATMENT is tonight. After that, what will I do? Whose patient sessions will I watch to make me feel better about myself, to make me feel I'm really not that crazy? What will I do with all that extra time?

I think this forces me to turn to food therapy. It's just too easy. It takes so little for me to eat.

Why do you do this to me, HBO? I still haven't completely forgiven you for canceling Rome.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Great Notes

Today I was flipping through my notebook for information I needed to clarify some project launch we're so excited about. I came to a page with just one sentence on it. It was written to Loaf during one of our many meetings. It was a great sentence though:

Eggs benedict would be so good right now.

I need to shred this notebook.

When Pigs Fly

For years I've had nothing to say when Mama Piggy commented on my weight or told me I needed to lose some. So I finally decided that I'll have a comeback ready for the next time. Well, the next time was this past weekend when I was at her house.

Mama Piggy: You've gained some weight!

Fat Girl: You've gained more than I have!

Mama Piggy: I'm a 60 year old woman. I'm not the one who needs to look cute and look for a husband.

Damn! She out-comebacked my comeback!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Lessons Not Learned

Button Popper. That’s what someone called me once. I prompted that Button Popper comment cuz I complained about how I should have stopped eating an hour ago, and that the threads were straining to keep that little button on my jeans.

There were many times when I overstuffed my pork cutlet. One of those times was in 7th grade. Lori was my new best friend. She invited me to dinner at her house. Lori’s mom was going to let us shape our own hamburger patties and put on as many toppings as we wanted! Lori’s mom was awesome! (Also, Lori’s mom had the sweetest, smoothest voice I had ever heard up to that point in my life, the kind of voice that only black women are blessed with.)

The burgers we made were quarter pound burgers. Lori and I each ate two. Don’t ask me how. I felt great as I swallowed my last mouthful. Five minutes later, not so great. I sat down and stopped participating in whatever game we were playing. Lori did the same. But Lori’s little sister, who was much smarter and only ate half of a burger, wanted us to keep playing. I told her I couldn't move.

Lori went to the couch. I stayed on the floor. It hurt to breathe. I thought that was the last meal I was to ever eat. I wanted to cry. Lori’s mom looked sympathetically at us. Her expression was one of pity, but on the verge of laughing in my face. Now that I think about it, why did she let us eat so much??? Well, I think I passed out because I don’t remember the rest of the night.

After that and numerous similarly excruciating experiences you would think that I'd learn to eat slowly and stop when I’m full. I think you can see where I’m going with this...I’m pig-headed.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Food TV - Semi-Real to Real Sexy

Is it just me or has Sandra Lee (of Food Network fame) morphed into a semi-alive store mannequin? She was really pretty just a couple of years ago. I think this one needs to be filed under Awful Plastic Surgery. Don't get me wrong, she's a great lady and I do admire all her charitable work. I just wonder what happened.

Side note: Why is it that Rachel Ray feels like she needs to yell? She needs to bring it down a couple of clicks.

Anyway, my favorite Food Network Host would have to be Alton Brown. He's smart, funny, cute, goofy and of course, a great cook! (You know I love YOU, Kermit.)

As wonderful as Alton is, I'm afraid there's another Chef who just might possibly steal this piggy heart from Kermit. Who possesses such great power?

Gordon Ramsay - yummy Scottish/British sugar coated candyman.

Hey Gordon, you know what the other white meat is? Piggy hoochie mama! I've got some pork chops you can smother! Mmm!

OK, let me stop before this little piggy has to take a cold shower. I'll be watching the 4th season premiere of Hell's Kitchen on April 1st!

Oink! Oink!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Little Fat Girl

It was summertime. I was 10. We were unsupervised latchkey kids, my brother & I.

Breakfast was a big bowl (or two) of the favorite cereal of the week. For a few weeks (OK, the whole summer) I was hooked on Kellogg's corn flakes topped with a heaping spoonful of sugar.

Lunch was dinner leftovers or another bowl of cereal. If I was not in a hurry to get back to playing Mule, Spy vs. Spy or Ghost Busters on our high tech Commodore 64, I'd even make eggs for lunch. Sometimes scrambled, sometimes over easy. (It would be another year before I discovered soft poached eggs.)

Afternoon snack was almost always some sort of frozen delight. Ice cream sandwiches, mint chocolate chip ice cream, strawberry ice cream with real strawberry chunks, fudgesicles... We enjoyed the abundant treasure of yummy, sugary goodness from our freezer as we watched Thundercats, Voltron and every other cartoon.

In between all that eating, playing and general dilly dallying we actually read books. Because we had to. One book a week and write a book report. I wish I knew where those book reports are, I'd love to read them now.

Anyway, my point is...I was a fat little girl and my brother was skinny. It's so unfair.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Chubby Chased

While walking to my car one day in the supermarket parking lot, I hear someone following close behind me. From the sound of the engine, I guessed it was a pickup. When I turned to look, I congratulated myself on guessing correctly. The driver of the pickup & I had a brief exchange:

Chubby Chaser: You're what we're fightin' fer over there.

Fat Girl:

Chubby Chaser: Oh yeah...

I turned around and got to my car in record time. You've never seen a fatty move so fast!

On the way home, I had a few thoughts:

1. I thought "we're fightin' fer" truth, justice and the American way? (ha! I know...if this was a political blog, I'd go on)

2. Should I be flattered?

3. Think of good comebacks when/if this ever happens again. I hate it when I don't have a good comeback.

4. Get yourself some pepper spray.

5. Damn it! I forgot to get cheese!

Monday, March 17, 2008

A Tough Cookie

Today was All Donut Challenge Day. Lemme explain...

I work for a company whose name rhymes with the onomatopoeic sound of a sneeze (Achoo!). While I appreciate Achoo!'s effort to supply its employees with untold amounts of free sugar and all forms of bleached all purpose flour, it really tears me apart when Fat Girl can't partake.

What greeted me as I walked into the breakroom this morning? Boxes and BOXES of donuts! A lesser cookie would've crumbled but Fat Girl turned her double chin away and huffed out without swiping the few crumbs at the edge of one of the boxes.

Later in the afternoon, I hear that Achoo! has hired some vendor to fry fresh donuts in the downstairs lounge! Ooooh, I can just hear those donuts screaming my name as they're dropped into the hot oil. I can also hear them mocking me, "Thaaat's right, stay away. A girl your size really shouldn't be eating donuts anyway."

I think I deserve an extra cinnamon roll this weekend.

Doughy Dreams

This no-carb diet thing probably isn't working. Evidence: I am hungry barely an hour after I eat inhale a double cheeseburger - protein style. How is that possible?

Well, I'll have the last laugh when I release myself from that no-carb hell this weekend. Cinnamon buns will be baked. I want that hot, sticky, ooey, gooey mess all over my...uh, that sounds dirty, but you know what I mean.

Pictures will be taken.