What Diet Resolutions?

We is in trouble now...and by we, I mean me and my fat ass.

I could tell you I have binger's remorse, but I don't. Not even a little bit. I completely enjoyed every slice of that large gourmet veggie pizza. And for dessert, eight of Trader Joe's Mini Mint Ice Cream Mouthfuls disappeared down the abyss otherwise known as my throat.

These are basically Oreo cookies with mint chocolate chip ice cream filling instead of just plain cream filling. OMG, Hea-Ven! Those mini mouthfuls come in a box of 12. Aren't you proud of me that I was able to stop at eight instead of devouring all 12? heeee

It's hard to say what made me binge. Could be a number of things...

a) my nearly three week vacation coming to an end
b) making up for the three weeks, almost four weeks, of feeling sick and eating nothing but eggs, bread, lite broth-like soup and rice
c) I'm just a fat piggy, and a piggy will eat what she wants
d) feeling like I could afford a binge cuz Sugar Coated Candyman said I look quite slim - oh, you bet he was rewarded for that comment =)
e) I have a tapeworm
f) getting back on the no carb diet on Monday, in anticipation of Chinese New Year binges
g) all of the above
h) a, b and e, but not f
i) c, d and f, but not b
j) make your own combination of the above

True, a large gourmet veggie pizza is a lot to consume at once, but at least it's more nutritious than my meals of late...milk and chocolate chip cookies.

Oh, Michael Bluth

Jason Bateman is Man of Style in this issue of InStyle Magazine. He can be my Man of Style every month.

Jason made a great comeback with Arrested Development, and boy was I glad. He came back hotter than ever! (And I was equally crushed when they decided to end the show.)

Here's a quote from the magazine article: There's a 300 pound man inside of me waiting to get out, so if I don't do an hour of cardio every day I will explode.

Jason totally gets me. The Fat Girl Inside is 300 pounds and just waiting to get comfortable in the oversized sweatpants and tshirt. He understands.

If you ever find yourself single, Jason, you can slap this piggy pork butt. tee hee

Teen Piggy

Once there was a two-night youth group sleepover at our house when I was in eight or ninth grade. Yes, this little piggy used to be a good little church girl. Can you imagine? Now,I might be headed straight to hell. Wanna carpool?

Mama Piggy was cool and kept us supplied with Coke, 7Up, Mountain Dew, potato chips, doritos, cookies, fig newtons and candy. We got to order pizza, burgers & fries, and more pizza. It was great to be allowed to eat all that for two days, but honestly, I missed Mama Piggy's cooking.

So...one of those afternoons, we were gathered in the living room doing some sort of group exercise. There were bowls of junk food everywhere. I was particularly attentive to my sour cream & onion potato chips while most of my team was focused on the exercise.

Fanny spoke very softly and was not demanding in anyway. (I wonder if she's still the same way.) She was sitting two people away from me. Speaking to no one in particular, Fanny asked for the bowl of doritos to be passed. No one responded so she asked again. And again her request was not heard, except by me. Instead of asking again, Fanny reeeached over and passed the bowl herself. Then she said, "Thank you."!

I wanted to laugh so hard! I know, it was kinda mean of me not to help her but I wanted to see what she would do. In a way, she's a lot like this little piggy. Fanny doesn't let little things get between her and her food.

Today's Special: Joel McHale

OK, I know this is stretching it a bit. This really has nothing to do with food, except that the name of his show is The Soup.

I just have to say that Joel McHale is yummy. I didn't think so at first, but he grew on me. His sense of humor really tickles this little piggy's babyback ribs.

I know he's married. So is Gordon Ramsay. damn it Just let me live in my dream world for now. (Where are you, Kermit? Don't keep a piggy waiting. Love between a pig & a frog is possible. Really)

So, um, where was I? Oh, yes. Joel, if you're ever in the mood for Chinese, I've got some BBQ pork buns for you. heehee

Shuga

There was a time when I was really diggin' the "dark meat." heehee The fever has passed, but I still dig it. At the peak of my fever I met Raymond. He was beautiful. 6 foot 3, all muscle, with the smoothest skin - except for where he was burned as a child.

Ray was a few years my senior and he took such good care of me. He bought me lots of food! The first time he saw me really eat he was surprised that I could stuff so much into my 5 foot 3 frame. He was surprised, but he let me eat. Ray never made me feel bad about eating.

We were at BB King's once. The waitress wasn't so friendly. I guess she disapproved of a black man dating outside his own race. Ray had a few words with the manager and we got a much nicer waitress. An appetizer, salad, one and a half entrees (my entree and half of his) later, Ray just shook his head and laughed and asked what I wanted for dessert.

Of course I didn't love Ray just because of the food we shared. He was sweet, gentle and patient. And I know it's not easy to be patient with me. Sometimes I wonder why I let him go.

Vegas Diet

The weekend was spent in Vegas. Probably the only time I don't eat very much is when I'm in Vegas. We'll go for a nice dinner on one of the nights but that's about it. The rest of the Vegas diet consists of vodka, cranberry juice, water, tequila, vodka, water, snack foods, maybe a lite breakfast, maybe a sandwich and vodka. It's a great way to lose weight, by the way. (Don't try this at home, boys and girls.)

While my friends are sleeping at 3AM, I'm at the blackjack table with a guy I met earlier. Tall, blonde, blue eyes & a great smile. Just the kind of white boy I like. His friends are also asleep & think he has a gambling problem. What problem?

We talked. We laughed. We won some money. He offered breakfast. I accepted. We bonded over eggs benedict. This Vegas diet is awesome.

Food TV - Semi-Real to Real Sexy

Is it just me or has Sandra Lee (of Food Network fame) morphed into a semi-alive store mannequin? She was really pretty just a couple of years ago. I think this one needs to be filed under Awful Plastic Surgery. Don't get me wrong, she's a great lady and I do admire all her charitable work. I just wonder what happened.

Side note: Why is it that Rachel Ray feels like she needs to yell? She needs to bring it down a couple of clicks.

Anyway, my favorite Food Network Host would have to be Alton Brown. He's smart, funny, cute, goofy and of course, a great cook! (You know I love YOU, Kermit.)

As wonderful as Alton is, I'm afraid there's another Chef who just might possibly steal this piggy heart from Kermit. Who possesses such great power?

Gordon Ramsay - yummy Scottish/British sugar coated candyman.

Hey Gordon, you know what the other white meat is? Piggy hoochie mama! I've got some pork chops you can smother! Mmm!

OK, let me stop before this little piggy has to take a cold shower. I'll be watching the 4th season premiere of Hell's Kitchen on April 1st!

Oink! Oink!