Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Carbs Derailed

O, Bitterness!

My all carb weekend was sabotaged! It was Saturday afternoon. I ordered a ham and cheese with fresh ground mustard on a doughy bun. Then I ordered a cheese and chocolate brownie to nibble on as I shopped. I made a mental note of the huge chocolate chip cookie in case I wanted to come back for it.

It had been maybe 30 minutes since I finished that sandwich when I felt slightly dizzy. There was the tiniest hint of my stomach wanting to throw up, but I hadn't finished my brownie...so I kept eating. Perhaps that was a bad decision.

But I'm glad I stuck it out and stood in line while fighting back the awful throw up feeling cuz I got an insane deal on some cute Michael Kors metallic sandals. The original retail price was $198 and I got them for $32! That's right, mo-fos. Be jealous.

As soon as I got home I went straight for the bathroom. And I think we all know what happened there. Then I passed out on the couch.

I felt better on Sunday morning, but was actually a little afraid to eat. So all I ate that day was eggs, crackers, and lots of gingerale and water. Damn the chef who served me that bad ham and cheese! Damn him!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

One Hit Wonder

Shortly after opening, the cafeteria within the Achoo! building decided to class it up. They wanted to be called "commissary" not "cateteria" and they invited a "star chef" to improve their menus. I don't know what kind of "star chef" he was, but bless their little hearts for trying.

There was one item I did like. A LOT. They premiered their rueben pastrami melt on focaccia. OMG! I'm not a huge fan of cured meats but the flavor combination of sourkraut, pastrami, cheese, foccacia & their secret sauce was close to a foodgasm.

After I devoured it and all the fries that came with it, I went down and ordered another. It had only been, oh, I'd say 15 to 20 minutes since I first appeared in the cafeteria commissary that day so the line cook remembered me. He shook his head and laughed when he saw me again. I didn't care. I endured it. I quickly took my food back up to the office and enjoyed my second lunch.

Sadly, they have not created the same level of food since. The next time the rueben pastrami melt came up on the menu rotation, they had replaced the focaccia with sour dough or some other tasteless white bread. They got lazy and sloppy and that was the end of my love for their rueben pastrami melt.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

All You Can Eat Weekend

This little piggy is making a list. A list of the all-carb items I want to eat this weekend. Ya, I'm giving the no carb diet another go...The jeans do feel more comfortable, especially around the old jelly belly.

So here's my piggy list so far:
  • Krispy Kreme donuts
  • Grilled Cheese
  • Mac & Cheese
  • King's Hawaiian Sweet Rolls
  • PB&J
  • Mashed Potatoes
  • All Chocolate Cake
  • Father Nature Fries
  • Baskin Robbins' Mocha Blast
  • Versailles Cuban Style Roasted Pork with extra rice & plantains
  • Porto's Cheese Rolls
  • Real Coke, not Coke Zero

Oh my sweet baby Jesus. I'm gonna be on a sugar high all weekend.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Share our Strength

What's that sound? Can you hear it? It's the happy squeals of this little piggy! Cuz this little piggy is going to Taste of the Nation!

Just looking at the partial list of participating restaurants makes my knees weak.

A lot of food will be consumed in those three short hours. I'm afraid that stopping when I feel full is still going to be a lesson unlearned...

Also, Happy Birthday, Conan!

All joking aside...

If you are not able to attend this event but would like to help end childhood hunger, please donate by clicking here.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Whachu Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

The produce section at my grocery store seems quite a happenin' spot. I'm almost always happy when I'm food shopping so I guess I understand that people tend to strike up conversations when doing so. The only time I'm not as happy is when I'm on the no carb diet. That forces me to skip the King's Hawaiian sweet rolls, the potatoes, the Haagen-Dazs! Anyway, I've overheard and have been part of some interesting exchanges there. Here's one of those exchanges.

This little piggy was trying to pick the least bruised bananas with just the right coloring. Yes, I'm particular about my bananas. On one side, a guy was walking up to the banana section. On the other side, the produce lady has already walked up to me and offered me a slice of watermelon. Normally, I would have taken it but my hands were dirty and I didn't want to stick dirty hands in my mouth to remove the Invisalign. She asks me again to make sure, and I decline again. So she moves on to her next target.

As soon as she asked the question, I looked at the guy to see his reaction. I wanted to say out loud what was expressed on his face:

Oh no you di'n't just ask a black man if he wanted some watermelon!

What he actually said was: Yeah! Of course!

Then he laughs (and I laugh) and looks at me as if to say, "Does this lady not know how much black people like watermelon?"

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Almost Finger Lickin' Good

I must confess, I'm a tech retard. So to avoid deleting my entire iTunes library instead of backing it up, I asked for help. Loaf and her hubby, TechGeek, came to the rescue. There was some geek talk between them that I didn't understand. No matter. In the end, TechGeek backed up my library to DVDs and my external hard drive.

To thank Loaf and TechGeek for their trouble, we went to a local soul food joint. It's great for good fried chicken without having to drive too far. Perhaps they haven't changed the oil or they didn't soak the chicken in buttermilk overnight, or both...the chicken didn't taste as good as I remembered. Still, it was good enough. They did improve on the collard greens. Much tastier this time.

We all cleared our plates and ordered dessert to go. We went back to my place to enjoy the key lime pie & peach cobbler while we watched the Lakers spank the Spurs. I love a lazy, food filled Sunday.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Gimme More

The place: Sasabune. I wish I could afford to go there more often. sigh

The players: DrinkYourDrink, JustOneShot (together, they are the Tequila Sisters) and Fat Girl.

The occasion: Fancy birthday lunch for DrinkYourDrink.

I had hyped up this place so much it became a big event. So big that we all took a day off work just so we could have plenty of time to enjoy the food and, of course, dilly dally a bit. We wanted to get there ahead of the lunch rush and sit at the sushi bar.

We each ordered the Chef Special. You don't know what you're getting but you will not regret it. The freshest sushi ever! The yellowtail...so buttery. drool We ordered extra yellowtail and salmon because we had to, just in case that was the last time we ever ate sushi.

The Chef Special ended with a tremendous crab roll. So good that we each ordered another crab roll. After we finished our rolls we ordered yet another plate of assorted sashimi. The Chef looked at us and you can tell he wanted to say: You're kidding me, right? You can eat more?

The Tequila Sisters and I had no shame. We spent a solid two hours at the sushi bar. Top 100 best two hours of my life for sure.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


There was a time when I was really diggin' the "dark meat." heehee The fever has passed, but I still dig it. At the peak of my fever I met Raymond. He was beautiful. 6 foot 3, all muscle, with the smoothest skin - except for where he was burned as a child.

Ray was a few years my senior and he took such good care of me. He bought me lots of food! The first time he saw me really eat he was surprised that I could stuff so much into my 5 foot 3 frame. He was surprised, but he let me eat. Ray never made me feel bad about eating.

We were at BB King's once. The waitress wasn't so friendly. I guess she disapproved of a black man dating outside his own race. Ray had a few words with the manager and we got a much nicer waitress. An appetizer, salad, one and a half entrees (my entree and half of his) later, Ray just shook his head and laughed and asked what I wanted for dessert.

Of course I didn't love Ray just because of the food we shared. He was sweet, gentle and patient. And I know it's not easy to be patient with me. Sometimes I wonder why I let him go.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Smoked Ham

There were many times I narrowly escaped death. One of those times was in fifth grade. OK, it wasn't that serious, and maybe I was partially responsible for causing the dire situation, but I was in fifth grade. Every kid gets into some kinda trouble every once in a while. heehee

My brother and I were often dropped off at the local library on weekends and were expected to finish our homework, read or play quietly for several hours. This particular weekend one of our friends, Pearl, came along. After we did some work, we wanted to go run around outside.

We decided to play house in the library's clusters of pine trees. My brother was the Dad, Pearl was the Mom and I was the baby. Pearl and my brother gathered pine branches and made a tee pee of sorts. I was given the responsibility of lighting the fire for dinner. The fact that "the baby" got to play with fire tells you none of us should be parents. Ever.

Don't ask me where we got the matches, we just had them. The three of us learned very quickly that pine needles burn quite easily. Within seconds our tee pee was filled with smoke and then became ablaze like nothing we had experienced before. We tried to throw dirt on top of it, but of course the ground was covered with fallen pine needles... I'm surprised nobody saw the billows of smoke coming from the trees behind the library.

Pearl grabbed my most favorite sweater in the whole wide world, my pink Miss Piggy sweater, and started smothering the fire with it. Amazingly, it worked. When the fire was out, we stood looking wild eyed at each other. I was torn. I was relieved the fire was extinguished, but I was sad my sweater was destroyed.

Brother: Let's go back inside and eat our snacks. (Looking at me) Don't tell Mom about your sweater.

I didn't and she didn't even notice it was gone.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Chubby Chased 2

A few years ago Achoo!'s employees were situated in a much prettier city of California. A few steps outside our office doors were retail stores and restaurants galore. I miss that.

Anyway, one morning I step out to go to the diner around the corner and down the street. What did I order? Come on, you know it's gotta be eggs benedict! As I'm crossing the street a jogger sidles up next to me.

Chubby Chaser: Ahnyeonghaesaeyo!

Fat Girl: I'm not Korean.

Chubby Chaser: Konichiwa!

Fat Girl: I'm not Japanese.

Chubby Chaser: Ni hao! (Mandarin Chinese)

Fat Girl: I'm fine, thank you.

Chubby Chaser: (Pulling out a business card, seemingly from out of nowhere) Here's my number, call me.

Fat Girl: (Reluctantly taking business card) Oh...o...k...

Chubby Chaser: You're not gonna call me, are you?

Fat Girl: Nope.

Chubby Chaser: Can I have my card back?

That Chubby Chaser was many things. The three things that stood out most:

1. Jackass

2. Cheap

3. Keeping me from my breakfast!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Vegas Diet

The weekend was spent in Vegas. Probably the only time I don't eat very much is when I'm in Vegas. We'll go for a nice dinner on one of the nights but that's about it. The rest of the Vegas diet consists of vodka, cranberry juice, water, tequila, vodka, water, snack foods, maybe a lite breakfast, maybe a sandwich and vodka. It's a great way to lose weight, by the way. (Don't try this at home, boys and girls.)

While my friends are sleeping at 3AM, I'm at the blackjack table with a guy I met earlier. Tall, blonde, blue eyes & a great smile. Just the kind of white boy I like. His friends are also asleep & think he has a gambling problem. What problem?

We talked. We laughed. We won some money. He offered breakfast. I accepted. We bonded over eggs benedict. This Vegas diet is awesome.